Social Life Dangerously On Empty And In Need Of It

    As an introvert and a person easily irritated by other people or around too many people for far too long, I thought secluding myself from social contact during this pandemic would be a breeze. These past few years I've been very apathetic when it comes to having an intimate relationship as well, so again I thought this pandemic wouldn't cause any fuss on my emotions. But as of late, and close to drawing the line tonight, I've been yearning to return to my social life. The familiar pain of loneliness is starting to creep back in, and my mind and heart has started to become more and more compromised with this pain that I thought I could easily overcome after so many past experiences. Instagram, the club, conventions, online gaming and church were my desperation for that longing of meeting kindred spirits and unfortunately time and experience has turned me off from these five things. Also since I have become a bit more older in age those things are probably not going to be as easy to do as it kind of was then. So NOW I just have no idea where to go or what to do, and I fear that once I hit on absolute empty, that I may fall back into that dark emotional abyss that I have worked so hard to climb out of the last time. 

Before writing these past two entries I shockingly found myself thinking about returning to Instagram and start fresh, thinking of ideas and new ways to get myself out there. It even crossed my mind to sign up for a dating site or posting an r4r on public forums, and this just tells me that my sanity is starting to deteriorate. Thinking of the person that I was talking about on that last post and what that person is doing with their life, thinking about my friend Taylor and his girlfriend Natalie and on how they're currently traveling back to her home state to get more of her belongings that was left behind to be brought back here. I started thinking of my friends Nicole and Ben, Darin and Brandi, Kelly and Tim, my cousins in California and here I am feeling this DAMN need of what they have! My mind is truly crumbling....and I really need to get my mind back together. I already know that these things don't fall on a persons lap on one go. I just, need to get myself back out their socially one step at a time as I did before. This damn Coronavirus needs to fucking end or close to fading away that I'd feel comfortable to sneak out with confidence and safety. Cause again, I surely was mistaken thinking that going through this pandemic was going to be a breeze. I hate this damn feeling!