Dear FKPCO

Its now been over 2yrs since I last saw most of you, and there's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. We have had many memories together, many laughs, fellowship, crazy moments, tiring lock-ins & retreats, game nights, counseling, and learning. These many memories and experiences will always be remembered for the rest of my life. Many of you I had the chance to become close with, built a relationship, became close friends, and at the end have become people I admired and respected. I don't know how many of you will find this post, but if you are reading this I give to you my real reasons for leaving. I wasn't able to share it at the time, cause I wasn't sure if it were legitimate, or just excuses. As I said at the farewell party and ill say it once more now, you are not at fault. None of you are the reason why I left. In all honesty its because of you guys that I have stuck by and served for that long.


For the many years attending FKPCO I have had the honor to serve under P.Cliff, P.Han, P.Sam, and P.Mark. Never have I ever wanted to be equal or above those positions. It has always been and still till this day my passion in being a supporter, and aide to each and one of them. Like the "Hand of the King" from Game of Thrones(Lol). If I had to be the work horse, I did it, if I had to train more or relearn things with them, I did it, there was never a time I wanted to be in their position. But as I served under them, I respected most of them wholeheartedly, and among them, two I had become close with. Each of their departure devastated me. Cause when it came down to it, they weren't just my spiritual leaders, they were my brothers and at the time...my closest friends. I wasn't devastated because I had to pick up their slack and do what they did for you guys, It was because I lost a great friend, it was because I lost my personal support system. For a long time I have always been hot-headed, rough around the edges, imperfect in the way I did things, and personally battled extreme cases of depression, anger, and loneliness. It was them who supported me, taught me, prayed for me, and helped me find a way back to the right path. And with them leaving, a part of me left as well. After P.Mark left I pretty much had it. Spiritually, emotionally, and mentally I was hanging from a limb and wasn't sure how much more I can take of losing people in my life there at FKPCO. And I just couldn't bare getting close to another and having to later watch them leave. Which also brings me to your point of view; How many times did you all become close to one and again having to later listen to that heartbreaking news of them resigning?? Its the same for all of you, and I was frustrated so many times that FKPCO couldn't establish an environment and culture for them to remain. And at the end because of that disorder it affected me as well, and just couldn't find myself being there any longer.


Fellowship, community, and friendship to me has always been one of the most important and pinnacle part of ministry to me. No matter who you are, and what you do, you should never feel alone. When I was young and part of the youth group at OCBC I was always the odd one out, and was treated almost like a weird stray dog that people turned away from. Because of that neglect I carried a personal hatred and disdain for many of them, but miraculously He softened my heart to show mercy and forgiveness. I also believe that because of that experience he had called me into ministry so many years ago to help Him "Build the Body." And as much as I have tried to do so, I have unfortunately failed miserably. As for many of you that knows, despite of growing numbers in attendance we also lost certain members who were dear friends of ours. To me it wasn't about what we gained, it was what we lost. What I lost. No matter what the reasons for them leaving were, I still blamed it on myself. And for many years till the day I left I couldn't let it go. I couldn't forgive myself. Losing Jess.Choi, R.Wu, C.Wong, J.Yu, G.Jenkins, J.Oh, J.Hwang, J.Lee, P.Han, Est.Cha, Ed.Cha, Reb.Lee, S.Lee, N.Lee, A.Cat, A.Oora, W.Kim, and J. Na left a devastating mark in my heart. I failed, and because of that failure I continued to re-evaluate myself and how I conducted as a director and ministry leader. And the only response that I got was that I failed miserably and for that I carried a great shame that was unbearable for me to carry on. With that mentioned I also made many mistakes of allowing my emotions and right motives get compromised with different feelings. There were a few members that I've invested extra time in helping and counseling. As I listened to their hearts cries, and pains they've opened there hearts to me with honesty and because of that openness, I allowed myself to open my heart out to them. So like the "Nightingale Effect" my motives in helping them became something totally different that I shouldn't have allowed myself to fall into that position. And fortunately each of those relationships backfired on me which broke my heart even more intensively. Not only because I lost them in that way, but because I lost myself of what I was supposed to have and not have done. So because of that shame and the possibility of happening again I had to make the decision to step down from my position and leave FKPCO. Instead of Building the Body for many years, I've destabilized and broke many parts of the Body and for that I am ashamed and failed you.


For most of you that knows me well, I had love for many other things. Generally you all saw me as THE Director of the FKPCO Youth and EM every Sunday. My love to serve and being with each and one of you was always on top of the list in my life. But when the day is over, I prepare myself for a whole week of work where I become someone that's very easily tempered and struggle in being the person that you normally see me as. I reach out to outside/personal friends whom I barely see because of my schedule at FKPCO, but when I do connect with them I become someone you are not used to seeing. I love to play games and have always been deep within the nerd community. I loved going to conventions, and even picked up the hobby of cosplaying. And as a cosplayer I even made more friends that I wanted to spend time with, yet couldn't do as much because of my schedule at FKPCO. My life was split into different factions. Juggled with each part while keeping you guys always up front. And I managed to do so for a very long time, till as I aforementioned I started losing good friends and support systems at FKPCO which led me to depend more on the other things. So eventually I knew it was unfair to you. When you needed someone who could be absolutely devoted to you. I failed to be there for many of you because simply I was missing, whether it was physically or mentally. I was for many times elsewhere and again it was unfair to you, so I knew that I had no right to be part of FKPCO. Which brings me to my final reason.


In the 11yrs serving, working and being there with you all, there was a deep part of me that was dying. My commitment to FKPCO was absolute for most of my time there, but the worst thing had happened to me near the final years there. I became lonely. Now again I don't blame any of you for this, cause you all have become great companions and friends, but as you know there was no young adults for me to mingle with, and have fellowship with. David Rhim was just about THE LAST young adult friend that I had till he left himself. Loneliness has always been the greatest fear in my life and the biggest Kryptonite that kills so much of me easily emotionally. Even though I had many of you, there was still that tremendous age gape between us, and as you've just previously read, I had no one to go to and share these many hurts and shame with. There are no perfect leaders, and I for one was the most imperfect person and for that I wondered for so long why HE would have called me into service for that many years. Yet I kept going and did my best alone. But in that final year I hit my limit and breaking point...depression started taking over me once again and distracted me from doing what I was supposed to have done. That's why for that final year, there were no extra programs or events that were going on or supposed to have been annually scheduled. I was an empty shell with no heart, no direction, and no motivation. So much have died within me, and that is why I needed to resign because I was no longer of any use to you and no longer capable of being used there.


I am so so sorry for leaving so many of you. But this was something I HAD to do and theres not a day that goes by that I don't regret for all the decisions and actions I've made in that 11yrs of service. I truly hope that you find it in your heart to forgive me and always remember the good times that we've shared together and remembering also the times when I was a good hyung or oppa to you. I thank you for all that you've done for me as well. Many of you, most of you were always supportive of me and I will never forget that. I want to especially thank you Kevin, James, JC, Kyle, Mackenzie and Joy for doing your extra part of being there for me in my final time there at FKPCO. I thank you guys so so much.  For the rest of you I pray that you all are doing well, wherever you may be in life right now. I love you and still miss you all so very much. Continue to walk with Him, and trust in Him who never changes or changed. He never fails, and He never stops loving. Believe in that cause that's what I have taken with me and still have and I hope that you carry as well. That's the promise He gives. Take care of yourself, and be the best that you can be. Farewell.