My Turn To See Who Would Put Energy and Time on Me



After my lunch with the "Kim" brothers yesterday, Kevin invited me to his house dinner with the remaining members of FKPCO for today. Of course without hesitation I respectively refused the invitation and he knew quite well that I was going to refuse and knew the reason why I'd not want to attend. As much as I would've wanted to spend more time with the brother's especially missing out on seeing James, I just had no heart of being there with other members. But today out of the blue Mackenzie dropped a message to see if I was going to attend, and it just got me thinking more of the reasons why I didn't want to be in their presence even after all I've said in the "Dear FKPCO" post on this blog. Yes I still do miss many of them and it would've been nice to see some of their faces, but in doing so I would have to face disappointment in myself aaaand....in them.


As I have said to Mackenzie today, my chapter with FKPCO as a whole is OVER. Yea some may say that it has nothing to do with FKPCO, just members and friends getting together for a simple dinner. But seeing them as a whole will still be a reminder of the hurt, disappointment and disgust. I've honestly put so much time, effort, and heart on almost all of them, and just like I mentioned from the previous post that unanswerable question of what difference have I made it these members hearts and lives. A question that should be easily and positively answered for all that I have done, yet instead I see nothing, no fruits from my labor. There are many moments when I look back and think of how much time and energy I wasted. Now I am not talking about all of them, but specifically a few of them. Now of course its something that I cannot judge nor expect a thing in return, cause only God can do so. But my human self is frustrated and I am hurt. A few weeks I posted on my live feed on Instagram recognizing my closest friends who are cosplayers. The next day I read a preview message on my phone from one of my sweetest members that I have been truly missing and appreciated INSULTING me and my friends. When I got on my phone to see the actual message, it was gone. But somehow she accidently sent that message to me when it was clear that it was supposed have been sent to someone else that obviously knows who I am and I am certain that it was someone that was also part of FKPCO. This hurt me tremendously that day, cause this came from someone that I did not expect in the whole world. This was someone who I also considered dear to me. Unfortunately she is not the first and only one. My whole life I've tried to invest myself and my time with people that I love and those that needed help and for some reason I get shot in the back. I agree that I have failed and wronged certain people in the past, but the ones that I know that I've done the best I could for are amongst the many that found disdain for me. This for some reason has been a curse in my whole life and because of this fact I have become more and more distant and afraid of people. Including new people. If I get one sense of bad news in a person, I immediately retract myself from that person and no longer want anything to do with that person. It has been so difficult of late to open myself to anyone. Maybe it is me. Maybe I have done things all wrong. But for now this is who I am and I believe that I truly did the best I could for the people in my past and those who I've lost.


And to end this off, that's why those that have stuck by me and are still a part of my life now I truly appreciate. Cause they are the ones who reciprocates the friendship and love that I deserve from what I gave and give to them. I can no longer be in a person's life where only I give, give and give. I've done my part to be selfless in a relationship, but I do deserve a sign that I am appreciated as well. That I can receive what I put in. Cause I've put in way too much time and energy on others for so long in my life that now.....its my turn to see who in this world would put energy and time on me.