A Day Of Frustration

"Scream" by sorenquist

After regretting and failing yesterday, I went to work with a heavy heart and mind. Thought all day how wrong I am, and how wrong I'm taking each step in the situation. Even if I went through with my "wantings," personal gain, selfishness, and urges it would only end bad for me. There is nowhere in this situation where the other party would appreciate me in their life. With my age, and their preference of race and color it seems I would not be given a chance or space in their party. This Saturday I must prepare myself from knowing a meeting will occur that will lead me to feel out of place, insignificant, and irrelevant. A meeting that is sanctioned by the other party, and accepted while I am hidden as someone unacceptable. And this quite frankly...feels insulting, and hurtful. With more questions of "what is wrong with me," and "what is it about me that is so shameful that I can't exist to the other party." I mean I know that I am far better of a person than the other, yet in this situation I am still worthless.

But bringing myself back to earth, either way I've taken things all wrongly, and made choices that were all wrong. I am supposed to be someone stronger, and helpful. I am supposed to be a person that picks the other up in time of need. Not for my need! Not for what I want! Not for my gain, but for the other person's gain. I've done everything wrong.

Also today our family had a family meeting on what to do with our expensive AC repair here in my place. I just never thought it would cost so much that I would now have to use the money that I have saved little by little for so long for a new camera. Though the AC is most important(since I am dying here at home) but breaking into the money that I have saved and use it for a place that I feel no longer at home in. Only to fix the damn thing that's so expensive and still be confined within the 20% of space that I have been confined to. I swear I have spent so much money for this place, and yet only use 30% of it. With almost everything that is broken in this house by my brothers hands I seriously am almost done with this place. If I speak up, I look like the selfish one. I don't speak up, I suffer anyways and feel jipped in a place that is supposed to be my "home."

I even had negative thoughts about losing my Sarasota friends because of the indifference of my outlook for Katsucon and future con events. Not being able or wanting to go to a party that they're going to, extending the time of me being apart from them, and them becoming more closer to others leaving me feeling more insignificant and a failure as a friend. I don't know...the fear of losing anymore friends in my life would be too much to bear for me right now.

And with Kyle my help on vacation I lose half my weekend off for the next two weeks. I am just fed up with everything today. Disappointed in myself, disappointed for feeling and thinking so selfishly, disappointed of feeling jealous, disappointed of not being able to express my anger, just...feeling bad over everything. Over-dramatic & -reacting over petty things. Frustrated. Angry. And just ridiculous. This day and feeling needs to end. NOW.