Hard Truth Of Letting Go

I can truly say that there is a hard truth of letting things go. Most of my whole life I've had things, or someone, even groups of friends that I've cherished in many segments of my life with many memories of good and unfortunately the bad. Resulting after putting much effort in building that good, something bad always have had to happen resulting in losing them or letting them go. It's almost a curse for me to have something for one second and then preparing the possibility of losing them. Constantly the heart breaking, and aching for them to return, suffering in the shadow as they move on in life, leaving me behind empty, broken and alone. This has been a damage of a lifetime that I now have learned to not trust so easily, and automatically assume that I will never meet the standards of others whether it's a relationship, friendship, a family member, or a coworker. My heart has become so numb from pain that now I feel as if I can't share anymore of my heart, compassion, energy, trust and love. I am just so tired of disappointments, not only from the other party but also myself disappointing others. Any moment and sign of suspicion of threat to my already broken heart, mind and esteem I immediately move into stages preceding an escape maneuver away from the very thing, person or people that shows any of those signs.  

Now those who are currently in my life or those that I have allowed into my life recently I give portions of what I do have left, cause you ARE the ones that reciprocates your heart and energy my way with no signs(so far) of bailing, or throwing me to the curb. Honestly it's only just a few of you. And it's shocking that there was a time when I boasted of having many great and supportive friends and people in my life. I know that many of those instances of losing them came down to myself being at fault. Now that I have become so accustomed to losing so much to gaining, I'd rather just shoot the connection dead out of its misery before I or the other party becomes truly at fault. I have become so observant to situations and small anomalies in everyday life or in events that my mind quickly goes into examination, micromanagement, diagnosis and future predicitional mode resulting my mind to calculate into a red alert, or the all clear.

These past few months I've realized and experienced many things that put my mind in overdrive of what to keep, or let go. I've experienced too much of being chosen over another, and abandonment of my joy, thoughts and feelings that I realized that I have to once again start shedding out of my life. Some of them haven't specifically done anything to hurt my feelings or anything, but the fact that they are moving forward in their own life, that what we once had before or done cannot be repeated or revisited. That I can't continue to wait for them to come back to have that same great time and fun we once had together. Due to time and distance, it may very be the end of that "time" and now a memory of those good times. Then there are those that have hurt me whether it was intentional or unintentional. When I put so much energy on so many of you and in return getting nothing or a backfire of stress and heartbreak that I instinctively choose or chose to let go. Cause my heart just cannot take much more  of that beating (I'm sorry FKPCO, you were the first that I had to shed away). And I'm sorry to those that I HAVE recently let go cause mentally and emotionally I am just not as strong as I used to be. Which is why I have to move forward on my own terms to find my inner strength and happiness again without relying on you(you all) and become a person, a man that I'm supposed to be. Luckily there are few of you that I am fighting to keep in my life. Even though it's difficult, you(you all) are worth it. One day I want to be the "Paul" that I am proud of, and after that the "Paul" that people or that certain person would cherish as the person that I am, and as their own. As a friend. As a brother. As a son. As her one love. So that the time will come when I don't have to worry about letting go and confident in holding each other tightly and securely as a friend, as a brother, as a son, as each others love.