The Old Crew Reunion

"Again thanks Dan for bringing the old crew back together even if its for one day."

As I stood there looking at Dan's casket I couldn't help but think of my grandmother's death and funeral almost 12yrs ago. Remembering the heartache and the immense outpouring of tears, not only because of how much I would miss her, but of the guilt and regret of my last words with her and of how much I've done nothing for her in her last days here on earth. Her last request for me was to care for my Father in a time when my relationship with him was in shambles. And when I think about the last time I remember being with Dan, all I can think of is his kind heartedness and smile. Its been years since I last saw him, but even then I knew that he was struggling with depression without showing it. He always had a way to hide that pain with a smile, and its that smile that always found a way to get me to smile especially when I was going through my own dark times in life. It is that part of Dan I remember so well.

After I split myself away from Dan and most of the old crew, I spent almost the next decade in ministry, helping others, understanding and consoling those who were battling with their own struggles and depressions, doing what I did best; putting a smile on others while lending a shoulder to cry on. Now that I've resigned myself from being a counselor and a youth group director, I wonder if I made any kind of difference in the lives of those that I've involved myself with for so long, with so much of my heart, energy, time, and strength. And if I did, would I have been able to help Dan too(If I did do anything)? But that's a question that can never be answered. A time that has already passed and cannot be gained back. Unfortunately its just too damn late, and I do have a lot of guilt because of it. 

So in the midst of this thought I took the time to look away from Dan's casket and upon the friends that I haven't seen for so long and for some that I don't spend that much time with. People like Eddie who was once a cancer victim(now a cancer survivor) and an old friend of mine that I've disconnected with, due to an old spat between us and myself being overwhelmed by his own depression while I struggled with my own so many years ago. And when I heard the news that he was diagnosed with cancer, I didn't once reach out to him. And when I looked at the rest of the old crew(and thinking about those who weren't there today like Kris) I thought to myself, is this a chance and time for all us to reconnect? Even though so much time has passed, and with most of our lives moved on without each other, are we able to come back together the way we once were? For most of each person of the old crew had some sort of fall out with another, so has time and distance away from each other given us all the chance to finally let go, forgive and forget? Honestly I just don't know. I just don't know how our lives which was once so intertwined and now disconnected, would mend together again? 

But if this was a day of our first step into bringing us closer, then I think of today as a great day. I know Matt has tried many times bringing us all together, but today, because of Dan's death a few missing pieces have come back together. Even if it was for one day, I'm going to hold on to the hope that there will be another day together. Again thank you Dan.