Worst Night With So Many Regrets

Waking up this morning with the most lousiest feeling. Its not the hangover but remembering immediately of how stupid I was last night. Its the last time I indulge myself with hard shots on top of my usual mix shots and beers. This is the third incident following the two others where I practically blacked out and not remembering the last hour of being out and how I got home safely and the second time when I was clumsily dropping and spilling drinks and then ending up at the very peek of a highway bridge, getting out of my car and carelessly standing over the ledge thinking of the most stupidest thing. The next morning thinking it was just a dream and realized....that I really did almost do something that was dangerous.

This time around I involved so many friends and allowed my ego and depressed emotions get the best of me. Three straight shots plus the usually drinking amount lead me to getting sensitive over not having a seat at the bar, and then not getting the service that I deserved, then finding an open bar seat and then giving it back to someone who was originally sitting there and not getting a thank you from that guy. Walked away and somehow my dark temperamental side took over as I then walked over to that guy almost starting a fight. Even after he apologized I still kept at it. My drunk self pressed that "Egotistical" button and for some damn reason started yelling and venting my anger towards that guy and everything else. Barbie, Kelly, Verneesha, Darin, Brandi, Frank all of them had to come over and calm me down. Calm me down for what?? Over something so small and STUPID! And even after I just kept at it. These were friends who knows who I really am, and I was acting up as someone I'm not. Barbie yelled at me saying, "Paul this isn't who you are! You are better than this!" And it wasn't. I am better than that, but the alcohol just triggered that dark side of me. After calming myself down then another thing was triggered....my hurt. The deepest part of this broken heart of mine. By the end of the night Kelly spoke to me saying how she knows now that I carry a burden and hurt. That I am one of her closest friends and that she cared. She started tearing up, as I fought back my own tears. I told her, "Kell don't do this. Don't bring this out of me." I swear the last time I cried over there was when Jim the manager was there before he was killed and murdered a year after. He did the same thing for me as Kelly was. Finally when I left, Darin did his best to calm me and reminded me that he knows now that I'm hurting and that I am one of his fewest close friends that he cherishes. I drove home crying from all that was pent up inside. Even drunk texting another friend with the most stupidest and unnecessary message. Luckily I got home safely.

Now I am feeling so much of regret and guilt. A night when I became so drunk and trying to show off the most immature masculinity but in truth ending it all as being the most immature and weakling of a man. I felt so bad this morning that I messaged as much people from last night with the most sincere apology. I even apologized to Mylene. I felt guilty. No I AM guilty and shouldn't have gotten like that. This is a sign. Another sign of something that is not working out for me. So many things that started off being so harmless with assumption that it would be good for me gradually becoming dangerous, toxic and bad for me.