Last Hour Of 2018

10:50PM


As I sit here awaiting for the new year to come, I wanted to take the time to look back upon this past year of 2018. Trying to see the accomplishments, the memories, disappointments, and special moments that may or may not have made a difference in my life. What has changed? What has improved in my life? What have I learned? And frankly the answers to all these questions are not as easy to find or realize. If I was to just put these questions aside and just briefly say in one sentence of how 2018 was for me, I'd just say that it was a very mediocre of a year for me. As it would be for most people in this world, there were those "ups" and those "downs." For me there just wasn't much of any extreme "ups" nor any "downs." Which is quite disappointing, cause I know exactly why it was like that for me. I've done absolutely nothing that would put me in a position where I would be standing alone, disappointed, or for the creeping shadow of my own depression to take over me. I mean earlier this year I did try to pursue a woman that I cared deeply for that ultimately without going into the specifics ended with me being extremely hurt, but thankfully didn't last no more than a few months, but honestly I made no other steps that would put me and my heart in danger.


11:13PM


By doing so I continued to walk that path into disconnecting myself from people. Cause in the past it has always been myself caring too much for others, as well having expectations from those people or certain moments that should normally be special to me. In ways I did try to veer off from that path and reconnect with others but somehow it just didn't work out the way I expected. One of the few examples is Instagram. No matter what I post, who I try talking to, or where I comment on didn't bring me the joy and excitement as I once had and have done when I first started this social media. My posts were bland, my pictures were to me disappointing, and no matter I tried I just couldn't bring myself to re-follow and like all the posts that my Instagram followers put up. So for me not doing so in result of them not really connecting with me in return was to be expected.


11:25PM


After the result of the failed pursuit of that certain person earlier this year, I made sure I walked away from that person and made myself invisible to her just so I wouldn't end up in a bad place. Sacrificing a once solid friendship which I believe was necessary for the both of us until the time was right for us to come back to one another. So since then and even to this moment a lot of things have disconnected between myself and her. But then something else happened near the mid point of the year. A Chika appeared. Another once great friend, and once before a time when Chika and I had a "history" together yet fizzled out because of circumstances that I'm not gonna get into at this moment. But a moment of rekindling occurred and honestly it was a rekindling that I was wanting for a moment. After a month or so my mind started fearing for the worst and I became in doubt. And because of that doubt and fear I started losing confidence in myself and unfortunately hurting her at the end after she touched a nerve of mine and triggering myself into anger and frustration. But honestly when looking back upon it, it was me. It was my fault. When it came to any kind of intimate or special relationship this past year of 2018 I was definitely not ready for it. After my hellish experience with exe from 2017, I was most definitely damaged and not ready for anything else with any anyone else. I know that I disappointed not only them but also my parents who have been very down over the fact that I haven't found someone to settle down with and of course giving them any grandchildren.


11:41PM


My nerd life this year was nothing close to exciting. After 2017 I made many plans to make some great cosplay suits. There were so many new ideas that came up during 2018 yet not were completed or even started. My great project of doing Rathalos fell hard after hearing the news that none of my other friends were going to do any kind of armor from the game Monster Hunter. It discouraged me. Yet I tried to bounce back by reminding myself that cosplaying has always been about me before meeting them, so there was no reason why I should complete it for myself alone. But unfortunately my excitement for cosplaying already ended before it even got started this year. I even tried thinking of fresh new ideas, there was Batman Ninja, there was a short time I wanted to go back and finish my Nova suit. There was Stain from My Hero Acadamia and then near the end of the year I tried to make Snipe from MHA. It was a complete cosplay and my artistic failure this year. Finding temporary motivations to complete these suits, that eventually didn't last, making me unmotivated. Dropping all tools and walking away from it.


11:55PM


When it comes to 2018 I've literally put myself on autopilot. Making now turns that would get me lost, finding the safest ways to coast through the year. But again as I said earlier, its disappointing. Cause I also made no challenging actions to do great things, or make myself better. I didn't experience new things, I just....rode through. This was 2018 for me, and I want the next year to be something better. As I now await for the last countdown to begin I pray and hope for a better tomorrow, a better year, a better me. Thank you for all those that stood by me and supportred me. Thank you.


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HAPPY NEW YEAR