Pushing Others Away

I sit here this morning thinking about the emotional and mental pain that for the past whole of my life have struggled with. Especially of what conspired a month ago, these past few weeks and what may happen today. This life long hurt which has been allocated first from childhood abuse, resulting into a major low self-esteem and confidence leading me to believe that I am not worthwhile at all to anyone. With the collection of relational heartbreaks, loss, betrayal, and disappointments along the way of my life has gotten me to this point where I am cursed or have cursed myself to push people away. Its not something I want to do, and its definitely something I never mean to do, but I do it of the possible fact of fearing that my heart breaks from situations of disappointment and failure.

This feeling of hurting others, especially those that tries to pull me into their lives to avoid my own hurt PAINS ME. It reeaally does. This fear of allowing people into my life and giving them my time and heart only to be possibly thrown away, and backstabbed, PAINS ME. I hear people say that this is only an excuse of my own selfishness and pride. I hear people say not to push those that truly want to love you, cause those are the ones that are rare. And I truly truly hear and believe those words. But unfortunately this is not something you just switch off and on. This is not something you just turn 180 degrees away from. This has been a life long, one way depression as well as many painful past experiences that I've carried and something I rarely share with anyone besides YOU whoever you are that's reading this.

I hide this fear and hurt from all the God-given gifts that I have from the exterior appearance by making others believe that I am alright, when deep down I'm crying for help and hurting with loneliness and pain. One of these gifts that I hide this true self of mine, is this verbal social skill that I have that immediately pushes others from sniffing out my weakness giving off this false impression of who I am and leading them to believe of an "Out-going" Paul. I hide myself with my minor talents of artistry and hobbies such as cooking, cosplaying, art, collecting, love for games, photography, videography and the gift of oration. Even using my physical appearance as a shroud such as NOT looking my age(looking younger), the sense of style of clothing I wear, as well as upping my physique by going to the gym these past 4yrs. All these things I use falsely to falsely direct people from knowing who I am inside.

I push people away because I am done crying out loud of the pain that I've experienced in the past. I'm done standing in front of people who I disappoint or disappoints me, so I'd rather keep my distance or stay away entirely. My heart cant bear anymore of this kind of pain. Emotionally I am just too weak and sensitive to take any of these kinds of bombardments. I am a jealous type, and its that jealousy that brought out the worst in me as well as putting me in situations of great downfalls in my life. Its the jealousy of not being a person that matters. Obviously hiding myself with all these little things never does me any good in the long run. When someone else comes around that's better than me or a situation that's better than my own becomes the ACTION to the immediate REACTION and spark of running away or pushing others away. Honestly in recent events is what happened with Chika, as well as a girl who tried to get close with me these past two weeks, whom I've now successfully pushed away. This includes friends. There are many whom I continue to keep an arms length from, because of that same fear. Yesterday I refused to go out to my usual Friday night outing because of the thought that they ONLY want me to be there as just their secondary company. I'm sure that is untrue but the fear got me to believe otherwise last night.

Now today is Holiday Matsuri and at this moment many friends and old are there and I've contemplated for this past month if I should attend today. I've failed on making my tool(SNIPE cosplay) that would make me matter and worthwhile to others and because of that I now have to go as just plain ordinary me. Taylor, Jenni, Cade, Nicole, Ben, and Mariza are there now and it would be great to see them. I would even love to see Trish. But the fact that most of them are coupled with another will at some point leave me ultimately as a third wheel. And I hate being that awkward third wheel. Also with Mariza's bf there and having a history with them both already puts me at a distance with them. It hurts because Mariza is one that knows of this pain I carry, and the one that had listened and been there for me so many times in the past. It pains me to raise an arms length between a true friend and myself. Taylor and Jenni which I will not go into again about their love and purpose for conventions already puts distance between us. As well as some other people(NOT Nicole, Ben, Cade) that accompanies them that I have no interest(as well as my dislikes of them) of being around also puts distance between us. There are many people they meet and becomes friends with as well, and judging from a distance I realize that those people are so much more better than I am making me now fear that I no longer matter or would matter. Shoot even a girl I had a past relationship with is there that I just DONT WANT TO SEE. So the outlook of going today is pretty dim.

But Jenni messaged me last night. Mariza and Taylor messaged me this morning. No matter what reasons I give them that I would not attend, they go out of their way still to message me to come. Does it mean they truly want me there? Does it mean that they really want to see me? Do I really matter? I know their having a great time there and meeting people that are better and greater than me so will me being there make any difference? Will there be in an awkward situation that triggers me to run? Do I want to be there to witness new people that comes in the circle that's better than me and becomes closer to them, reacting me to push everyone away entirely? These questions....this DAMN FEAR ties me down so much. As a friend to them I know I insult them with these questions and doubts.

.....I think....I'm going to go. I'm gonna go at least just to say hello, and see them, my friends. I'm gonna go for just a little or however long the energy that keeps the fear at bay last. Before my anxiety takes over me I'll do what I can to be the Paul that they've always known me as.

.....I'm going to go.