Dispiriting Beginning Track Of 2019

Every time a new year begins a thought of new hope for a better, refreshed year would begin right from the beginning of it all. Its always my excitement to one day see or experience something that will give me something to look forward to. But after countless of years, one thing is certain and true when it comes to my life, that I have no great luck when starting something anew. They say that its not the way or how you start, but how you finish, or that its not a sprint, but a marathon. I understand those words, cause its always that way for me. The same pattern. It may not be a great finish, but it usually goes that way for me as I always start slow and then build into a memorable year. Unfortunately 2018 was nothing much of...well anything. I can describe it as an in-between of slow beated to flatlined type of year. That's why as this new year began I said to myself that I have to make this new year a better year than the last. It's always a challenge for me, especially since I always carry this hopelessness and low confidence in myself for almost all my life. I know that I can't expect things to come my way, go my way, or served to me on a silver platter, cause as it usually is in this world, you have to work for it. Nothing is free. Everything has a cost. So for me to have a better year I know that I must work for a better year. The question is, how to overcome this hopelessness and dying confidence in myself. I want to stop feeling bad for myself and stop putting myself on these dispiriting tracks every time a new year begins or when something new happens in my life.


With Max(dog) now coming into play in the timeline of my life, I was hoping for something great and new for the new year, but with that came a conflict between myself and my brother. I wanted to have someone, or something that would love me unconditionally no matter who I am or what I do. To look at me as their #1, and with all my failed past relationships I was hoping that from Max. But when you live with someone better than you, and smarter than you a lot of that joy is robbed and taken away. With Max favoring my brother, and looking on him as the greater owner and master I have become a secondary. It hurts. It really really hurts. I lost my patience and I confronted my brother with that emotion of jealousy and hurt last week and as it usually does I come out on the wrong and that night last week was one terrible fight with him. Cause it is I with this petty emotion, and feeling that has no merit in any kind of argument. This also happened during the time when my cousin Esther and her family came into town to visit. Excited as I was to be a cool and awesome uncle to her children Ella, and Lucas, I had to painfully go through the week, hiding my emotions and feelings as I watched them running after my brother than myself. And as much as I tried with them and even now with Max, I linger in the vast shadow that my brother casts behind him leaving me to be just...a piece of shit. This goes the same with people around me. Anytime that I get caught in a shadow of being a secondary or just of unimportance, I jump ship from that very thing, moment, people or person to avoid being even more hurt with this feeling. So if this feeling brings me pain and hurt who do I go to, to understand my feeling and not judge me of that feeling? Who would understand my wrong and agree with my wrong, when from the beginning it is I that is in the wrong? Is their anyway or anyone that can justify this deep hurt and feeling?


Now going into our second week with Max, also after apologizing to my brother that I was in the wrong last week, I reminded myself that my brother is also fighting through his own depression, and came a long way from what he was over a year ago. He progressed so exponentially as a man that honestly I accepted the fact that he is more of a man that I am. During our argument he clearly said to me that I shouldn't blame him for my misgivings and the source of these feelings I carry. Its ME. My brother conquered through so many things, sacrificed so much, and even till this day he continues to fight to be a better man. So the next question for me was, 'why aren't I fighting to be a better person than I was yesterday?' My brother told me that if I wanted to do something about this thing inside me, then do something about it. I took his heavy words into my mind, and contemplated over it almost everyday of this past week. And with that in mind I said to myself that Max and all these others things that brings continued joy in my brothers life is what he deserves most. I don't deserve it, cause yes...I am a nobody. I've accepted that he deserves Max, not I. Even though I brought the dog in from my friend and considered my brothers wanting of a dog before, Max is not gift for me, but a gift for my brother. No matter how much and how well I hide it from others, no one understands my loneliness. And honestly what's another length of time walking alone be any different from any other time for me? If something can help another persons loneliness, and be a better help for them, than for me, then as usual I can jump ship and let them have it and just be alone.


This goes the same for a lot of other things in my life. My Instagram and my social life there is almost to nearly dead now. I have no motivation anymore to post or socialize there cause after so many years I realize that almost nothing fruitful comes out of it. Accept for a few people that I've become good friends with and meeting a few great people. And its only because of them that stops me from deleting my account and walking away from it. But again I know that the cause of this unmotivated feeling comes from that very petty emotions that brings me in the wrong. When I first started my Instagram I was dying for attention, dying for acceptance, dying to matter somewhere in in this damned world. And its this wrong reason to find acceptance from people that has veered me off course. But I ask, why not me? Why can't I be someone that others appreciate? Am I in the wrong to find happiness from what others give to me while so many others are getting what they deserve? I don't deserve it? I guess I don't. I guess I am the only one that's not allowed to have this feeling.
So I have been thinking to reset and clear my posts of the past and start new and expect less. There was a time when I did have an active following and many of my posts shows that evidence from the "likes" and "comments." I guess I'm hurt that my most recent posts are not getting the acknowledgment and notice that I used to get from others. Maybe the best thing to do is to just archive all my past posts and just post with no expectations and the acceptance that I'm really not all THAT anymore. But at least it will give me the chance to still somehow express myself whether I get the attention or not. Like this private, unannounced blog that I've become more comfortable with. That you who's still reading this long stupid rant of my feelings is either entertaining you or maybe a person that's probably feeling the same way as I am.


Currently my good friend Taylor is talking to me right at this moment, insisting that I don't do what I do(jumping ship and running away to myself). I know he's sniffed out that I hurt that I've always carried since he met me. Which is why I just told him that he is a friend that I cannot afford to lose. He's always been the positive and a friend that always shined the brightest amongst my friends. His girlfriend always teased about our "bromance" thing, and even though its not that kind of weird romance thing, its because I look at him as my very own real brother. Man he's currently trying to get me online(discord) so we can have a "Good Will Hunting" session or should I say "Good Paul Lee" session. Wow that title doesn't roll very well does it? But anyways I just told him I'd rather not talk about it and crack myself open. Thanks my brotha. You are one of a kind right now in my life.