First Quarter Thoughts Of 2019

Its been awhile since I last posted on the "self." I wanted to go into depth of certain things that has happened after my last serious posts "Dispiriting Beginning Track of 2019" and "A Big Group Hug Of A Night." But with the upcoming busy season at work coming up(which is going on NOW), and the drudging climb out of a terrible start to the year, I kept myself preoccupied to myself and splurge a little bit with a game. I even brought my work-out schedule to a bit of a slow and slump track as well. All these things knowing well that stress and exhaustion is on the way I'm taking some time to distract myself from falling back into the hole that I was just in. Its like a person who wants to stop, drop and ignore everything around them by putting on noise cancelling headphones and blasting the music loud distracting myself with uplifting tunes and not caring about the shit the world brings. So for that reason I have not been writing as much. But today, a Sunday afternoon I wanted to take the time to scribble a bit.

After my post from, "A Big Group Hug Of A Night" a complete opposite situation occurred a few weeks back when I went out to my usual hang out spot alone without Darin & Brandi(since they had their own reason why they couldn't go there, plus they were out of town) I found myself in that secondary, third or last of importance over others. Like Instagram, I went there to find meaning and worth in myself by the praises and attention of others, but I was hurt that the ones that I call my good friends would toss me to the side as if I wasn't there. Granted it is a work place for them, so I understand that I am one that they don't have to worry about as a customer due to the relationship we already have, but that night it wasn't about them being busy with customers, there were others that were friends like me to them there to have a good time, and it was THEM who got the attention and was served well as a customer while I was kept ignored and tossed to the side. Man I was hurt. After all that they've said to me that one night has been forgotten in a blink of an eye. Does money buy a better friendship? I don't know, but the fact now is that I no longer believe that THAT place is worth for me to find true friendship and lasting relationships. I've thought about it for a long time, that this place isn't like the old TV sitcom show "CHEERS" where everybody knows your name, and that everybody finds this interconnection to one another, this is reality, this is my reality and I know now that its time for me to get my head out of this fantasy and embrace what is really real in my life. I spend so much money there in one night, and invested is so much time and effort in finding friends and relationships that every time I wake up the next morning I realize that none of them are here. There are no follow ups. For these kinds of reasons I have become so terrible at follow ups with others. If people don't take the effort for my friendship then why should I? The only thing great that came out of that night was Barbie settling me down and helping me open my eyes to the facts in that place. Thanks Barbs for the usual pep-talk. I shouldn't blame them of what is, is what it is. So, for the past few weeks I have not gone back since, and that includes this weekend. I realized my time with Taylor on FF14 brings more joy than going out hunting for that joy and attention by spending so much money and time on others. I have my best friend Taylor. I have friends like Jenni, Quani, Khad, Savannah and others I spend my time online with. I have Mackenzie when I run into her. I have Max. I have my brother Danny. I have my family. And to me, that's enough.

As I continue to climb out of this mental and emotional slump things have not been all that bad anyways. My relationship with my brother wasn't really hindered from the last fight we had, honestly things are a lot more open and relaxed. He continues to try to hard for me, he continues to do best for me and for himself, he's being everything to Max(and yes I've accepted it) and he does what he can for his friends and for our parents. There's peace in the house and that's the best I could ever wish for. There might not be great happiness within our household but there is peace and contentment. For the past 2 months Taylor has been unrelenting in our friendship. He has completely messed me up with getting me addicted with FF14 and its something I DID NOT want to pick up in my life. MMO's are just a time killer, and just another bad thing to get addicted to. I know first hand what it can do, ever since my experience playing Ultima Online, and Everquest 2 back in the day. I got fat, I disconnected myself from my family and responsibilities, it was just damn mess back then. Now after what? 15 years, promising myself that I would never get myself back on an MMO, here I sit for the past 3 months, locking my attention on FF14. The difference though than that time, is that I'm not relying on this game as my one and only entertainment, and the center of my life. Honestly I'm thankful for this game to bring me closer to friends. It's more of a tool or a bridge connecting me with Taylor and shoot even Savannah. Since they both live more than an hour away from me, there isn't much grace of time for us to just meet up with each other at a local place to spend time. This is the best way, and it's all because of Taylor. He always takes a further step to bring us all together, and he doesn't relent. He tries to pull me in to cosplaying, visiting him, getting him to build my next new super computer, planning on next convention trips out of town, getting me into discord to just simply talk, I mean this guy is unrelenting. People have hidden motives and intentions when trying to pull someone or something in and usually its some sort of selfish and bad intent. But for him its not. His motives are 100% about bringing friends together to him. And it does get tiresome, especially for me who prefers most of my time alone. I know he's trying his best for me, and for these past few months I am absolutely thankful of him.

Unfortunately my motivation for cosplay, conventions, Instagram has not gotten better. With Kyle leaving soon from work, there's a possibility that I wont be able to go to Momocon or even spend most of my usual time for Megacon. I might be losing my weekends off when the summer comes, so this discouragement is taking effect on my motivation for any nerd or fun things. So instead of stressing over it, I'm just not thinking about it or expecting high hopes for now. If things have to be on hold then its gotta be on hold, even if its another year of it.

Last month February 17th I had to forfeit my position as Godfather to Kuya George. It was a very high honor for me to receive last year and even though I wasn't sure even at the time he asked me I thought that I could. I thought I could be a great spiritual, moral person to their new son as he grows up, but now that he is born I realized I cant. How could I be there for a person when I myself have become so conflicted in life. I don't even travel much. I haven't visited my own cousin's son Noah in San Francisco so how could I just travel back and forth to Virginia when I cant even visit my own blood family. I'm terrible at contacting people, so how could I be a Godfather to a boy that I will have a terrible time trying to contact. There's far better men and friends to George and Mimi who could do a far better job as a Godfather. I disappointed them and failed them, but its better to do it now then fail later down the line. Im sorry George, I love you big bro, I know it was something you didn't want to hear from me.

Also changing and cleaning out my Instagram and letting go of my IG name Paulioworld has become one of the most refreshing parts of this new year. Apparently there was another guy that was going by the tag name Paulioworld in other social media outlets, so he can just have it, cause I was done with it. Seems like he was waiting for it to be available on IG, cause he took it after a few weeks I let it go. "Enjoy it brotha." lol. Which also comes down to this Blog. I will be moving it today. No more Paulioworld. Its DarkJinesis from here on out.

Also our family(parents) dog Sooni, is not well right now. She's inflating into a big balloon and its not because shes eating a lot. She's just...inflating to the point shes going to explode or something. It's really bad right now. My parents took her to the vet and they said that she has to go through surgery, but wouldn't be a better idea since she is so old. 14 YRS! Unfortunately soon the worst is to come and it might be Sooni's last year with us. She is the last of the three original dogs that we had, and just the thought of it is breaking my parents heart and even my own. My mother the other day said that my Father does not want to bring her in to put her down when the time comes, since he was devastated the last time he did it with his dog Nani. So if he doesn't want to do it, and my mother doesn't want to do it, then all that's left is....ME? Oh man I don't even know how I can do it. I was there when we put down my old dog Tori, and I went with my dad for Nani, I'm not sure if I want to do this again. Damn it. But our family is getting ready and I have to be ready. She's a great girl and always followed me when my parents weren't around and she was there on the last half of my old dog Tori's life. So she is the last that was interconnected with our other two dogs that passed....this is going to be hard.

There's just so much more to talk about from these past few months, but for now this will be it. This lousy first quarter of 2019 needs to end and a better second needs to come through.