My Bitterness Almost Knows No Bounds

Its been a long time since I was agitated, and completely bitter at a certain person. Like a splinter unnoticeably lodged deeply into the skin of a finger, yet you know its there, you feel the sharp stinging pain, that you just cannot ignore it. You try and try to pinpoint it and pull it out and yet because of its miniscule size you fail to take it out. You become agitated, and annoyed that you just cant focus on any task in front of you.


You know for myself when it comes to patience, and forgiveness, there has to be an action and good reason why I should give such qualities to a person. I know it shouldn't be handled in that way, and I know its not the way He wants it but that's the way it is for me right now. More than anything I wish that I was more patient and forgiving. But my life has a history of betrayal and hurt, that my heart has become so hardened that anyone that offends me, criminalizes me, hurts me or hurts someone I love/care about, that person or people goes into my blacklist almost immediately. Now there are rare occasions when I do gain patience or grant forgiveness to another by just simply letting time pass, but once the damage is done to my mind, heart, and pride, that person's reputation and outlook to me is immediately damaged.


Last week I heard that a friend of mine who is going through her own personal problems(that I have always tried to consider) accused me that I made her feel like shit and worse on a time that she apparently came to me for help. Now this person is someone that I've always considered a good friend due to her connection to my close friend. And because of that, I've always and had no intentions to be on her bad side. No matter what she came to me with, I've always stood on her side. She's a person who I always cheered for, and encouraged in her pursuit, and goals in life. Now, I have a good memory, and there is NOWHERE in the past when I've ever insulted her, lectured, scolded, or even given a constructive advice or criticism to make her feel like shit. Now there is something I can be accused of, is not being a "closer" friend to her, but because of her personality, and intensive temper I tried my best to steer clear, just in case her and I butt heads(cause I do as well have an explosive temper when pushed to the limit). Especially the way she has treated and treats my closer friend, I believe I've done a hell of a job looking the other way and giving her a chance to be a better person after witnessing so many times of her abusive outbursts. But after last week, and the accusation towards me, she has now officially slipped into THE blacklist. And all those things that I said that I have witnessed beforehand can now no longer be ignored even if it wasn't towards me.


Today I was asked as a favor to do something for her and I did. But doing so was not in any way genuine and I regret doing so. I know I gave a promise last week that I will support, but after today I've found that I can't keep that promise and I just can't truly see her the same way anymore. Its like a Jenga tower that was already tilting from the instabilities that unfortunately tipped over already last week, and I just don't want to restack and play over. I tried be online with her along with others and I just wasn't having it. That splinter became so agitating that I was ready to explode. Barely any patience. I just wasn't feeling it and abruptly disconnected with them. My close friend loves to guilt trip me to do things, but having her TODAY guilt trip me and telling me that me giving no answer to a certain thing is me being uncommitted sounded so sour and garbage to me that I was on the edge of blowing up on not only her, but every other innocent bystanders that was online with me and just quitting on the so called "GROUUP." I feel bad for each guilt trip, but when coming from a person that I don't appreciate hearing it from? Well that's pretty much the end of the connection between myself and that person. Now I just....don't want any more guilt trip from anybody. I'm done. No more expectations, no more planning, nothing. I do apologize for copping out and not following through lately with them, but because of this damaged relationship I just don't want any more part of me actually trying. This bitterness from last week has now become the bitterness that knows no bounds. I feel horrible for my close friend, because now my close friend has to deal with a split party, and I never wanted this for my close friend. I tried. I'm sorry.