Halftime Thoughts of 2019
Beginning with my family, most specifically my younger brother. To recap-It's been well over 2yrs since my brother had an intervention from us, leading up to his great recovery, drug and alcohol sobriety. And let me tell you he has struggled and powered through it with great perseverance. I know it's been excruciatingly painful for him, but honestly our family has never been so proud of him, despite that his climb of being greater has overshadowed my own, leaving me to feel a bit worthless, but other than that it never stopped me from caring, cheering, and loving him. He was in a brink of going into a life of absolute physical and financial destruction, and despite my feelings, he is my brother, and that recovery is well worth than my petty jealousness, and enviousness. Unfortunately his climb to recovery costed him mental, and emotional damage. I know he has always been battling his depression, but almost a month ago, he hit his limit. A severe mental breakdown and hopelessness. He was literally crying for help with no one there to understand him or at least hear him out. His loneliness, and extreme depression got the best of him, as thoughts of giving up on his life became an option to him. I still remember those few days, not so long ago. It was a side of him that I've never seen. I mean I've seen and experienced a lot of his worst, but this time it was different. This time I saw a person dying inside. As much as I've battled my own depression, and loneliness, I still felt so helpless. What can I do, or even say to help quench that excruciating pain, anger and frustration that was deteriorating his humanity affecting his relationship with his close friends, colleagues at work, his job, his own life, and self stability. I saw a man, my brother on his knees, drenched in his own tears, and all I could do was sit there near him and listen to his cries. That day and weekend I was given an extra day off so I can have my own peace and quiet, but instead I was bombarded by cries. Cries of not my own, but my brothers. There was a moment at the time, when I just wished I wasn't home, cause it affected my own feelings. I have become such a sponge for others for so many years in youth groups and individuals that all that negativity and emotions took a toll on me and till this moment I am still bitter and exhausted. But...I am glad. I am relieved that I was there that weekend for him. Whether I made a difference or not, I'm glad that I was there to listen and stay by his side. Fast forwarding to now, my brother has found his faith in God. Our family supporting him as he undergone and still undergoes yet another serious recovery stage with therapists, the hospital, shoot our beloved dog MAX, and The Word of God. Though that my faith has been shaken and been compromised with doubt, I have no doubt that He does exist and He is giving my brother the strength in pulling himself out. He does save, He always have for him and for our family.
With all this happening, my life continues to sail steadily while maneuvering quietly away from storms and threats. My life of being almost disconnected with most people I know continues to rage on, or a better way move on. After my last drunk post(that's if I posted it live) of feeling neglected and hurt after my usual weekend outing, I have NOT gone back since. Its been a month since then, and I have been reflecting about my years of involvement there, and the people that came with it. I thought of the benefits that came from being in a relationship with them and honestly there are many that I come to have known and yes cherish even. But I question the longevity of this friendship with them. I have questioned their true thoughts of who I am, and do they truly appreciate and love me from outside the familiar atmosphere? Am I just the one place, one moment in time type of friend? And if I'm wrong, for how long? How long till some sort of betrayal or moment when they begin to move on by fading me away from their existence?
*sigh* The fact is, the heartbreak and emotional damage from my past betrayals(close-friends and relationships)are unfortunately the origin of these questions and doubt. But after the last few times being around these people, and seeing how they are on social media, I realize how much I can be considered a sideline type of friend. A third string person, not good enough to be involved, and only considered as a back up when their #1's are not around. Witnessed, witnessed, witnessed.
Its heartbreaking that its not only this group of friends, but even others in my life. As I see that many of them continue to move on with their lives, going into a relationship, getting married, having kids, making other friends, without the addition of myself, it's heartbreaking. Also I hate running into posts of an ex getting married and finding her happiness while she a few years back used me, cheated on me, and betrayed me. Doing me dirty while she finds happiness. Why does she deserve happiness. Trash like her should deserve that. People would say, "Paul its not your business anymore." "Well Paul you shouldn't feel that way cause if you do, that means you're not over her." "...that person." Or "....those people." NO! I am over those people, I am legitimately angry, and hate those people for not getting what they deserve. Am I petty? That's for you to judge, but for me it's not, cause the moment they put me down to the floor, I have taken it seriously and traumatized by that hurt. 'Paul why do you take it so seriously?' Because for most of the people I knew in the days past, I invested my whole heart, and mind to them and in return.....*sigh* Friendship and relationship has to go both ways. I don't want to be back-up, I don't want to be third best, nor do I want to be treated as such. And most importantly I hate being emotionally floored. Devastatingly floored.
Either way for most of this year, I've continued to veer off and avoid anything that smells like trouble. When trouble found me, I've retaliated with the energy of anger, and sadness. And unfortunately the few close friends that I do have are paying the price of my continued sudden doubts of them and then making the effort of reeling me back in when I try to run away with that doubt in mind. I feel sorry, and ever so bad that they try so extra for me, when they don't deserve that nor are they obligated to do so. I hate that I've become the very thing that I've hated of others before. But if any of you, you know who are, the ones that I cherish now and may be reading this...I am trying. I truly am trying. And I don't mean to be the cause of the hurt and rift in our relationship.
Quick finals thoughts, there has been no progress for my love for cosplay and the interest of building new things. My usual work out regimen and intensity has been greatly downgraded now that I am really feeling the physical weariness and the worsening of my back pains(I truly am getting old). My Instagram continues to be lack-lustered(which I've accepted NOT to put so much effort into), and now I have to prepare the coming day of losing my Saturday off days, now that my help Kyle is finished with school and preparing to move on to internship. Now that I'm no longer involved in the Korean community I no longer know anybody that could replace him. I know how hard its going to be for me, but I'm trying to accept the fact that I will be working 6 days a week and there's nothing I can do about it, and really learn to not bitch about it. Women? None. My heart has become so hardened that I've lost my eyes and heart in falling for someone. Which I am still hoping one day her brightness will open my eyes and melt the frozen heart within me.
The minor good things is that I at least have other hobbies and interests that are keeping me preoccupied(ex:FFXIV). And the great things that I am blessed with still are my Family, my brother and his fight for recovery, my dog Max, my home and the safety, peace and quiet that it shelters me with, my closest friend Taylor, the ever so often message drops from Michelle, and Quani, my health(despite the slow crumbling of it), and yes still God. Yes I know I shut so many doors on him, but I know....He's here. Thank you. And thank you for taking the time reading this.
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