Last Hour of 2019

11:22pm

I just got done messaging a friend, a real good friend to me, whom I believe was the star of 2019 for me. First thing I wanted to do before 2019 ticks out. And now the last thing I want to do is putting my last thoughts of this past year.

First things, first, I really did not write as much as I wanted to this past year. There was quite a lot of things that I wanted to jot down, but really nothing too exciting nor motivating to sit my ass down to make a record of anything. I realize its always when I'm depressed, down, hurting or under the weather that truly gets me to spill my guts out in words. Its always then, through the cracks, when broken that my mind and heart seeps out those thoughts and drives me to either drink, do something stupid, or just write. Its really disappointing that I didn't get to write much at all this past year. But with that said, its brings me to the thought of the flip side of the perspective; I did not have a broken year. That's actually a very important statement for me. I DID NOT HAVE A BROKEN YEAR. I really didn't have any bad situations emotionally nor physically compared to years before 2019. It was pretty much a continuation, a repeat of 2018. Then again I know that the year started off pretty rocky as any other years are usually are, but it never lead me to any path where I was in a corner with negative thoughts or hurt. There were a lot of disappointed thoughts, and moments. And a lot of these moments would have usually put me in a bad spot to myself, but it seems, when I think about it....maybe I've become stronger? Or invulnerable? Colder hearted? Numb maybe? Learned to accept the bad and just move on? Eradicating everything that decays in my life, letting go of every bad apples in my life and moving on? Alone and not being so affected by being alone?

11:45pm

Is this all a bad thing? Cause my whole life I've been affected by so much hurt, and sensitive over every small thing. I still am sensitive yes, but it seems that this past year of who I was, I was someone definitely different. And honestly am thankful of it.

Now before this year is over, there is definitely one thing on my mind that I believe have learned and noticed from 2019, and that is "Everyone moves on." It definitely feels like a lot of people in my life has been moving on or advancing in life. If not advancing, continuing without me. It really did, many times hurt me this past year, but not in the way that I've really given up on myself, nor hurt myself over it emotionally.

11:53pm

Now as the countdown begins, Ill stop this post right here and will continue my observation and thoughts from this past year in 2020.