Do Not Openly Open Dark Past With Sign "DO NOT OPEN"

 

The hardest thing for me is to forget things, whether it's a good thing or a bad thing. To the point of this entry, bad things always lingers in my memories, and I will honestly say many of those things I cannot forgive nor ever forget. My heart and mind has been repeatedly damaged by the hands of others, that I have become a living embodiment of a man with grudge. People say, "Things will heal in time" and I truly do believe that statement that things DO heal in time, but the scars will always remain, and its these scars that are my daily reminder of the source of whom or what inflicted that scar. Luckily for me time also does help me learn to accept it. What has happened, happened. So there are many times I get the chance to remember and then share it with others without emotions or without being coupled with tears. Guess it's my time and way of just talking shit, gossiping and most of the time sharing as a funny story.

But today my big mouth, thoughtless and inconsiderate mind has learned a lesson, as I spoke too much about what I remember as a child in our dark family history to my mother at work. At a time when work was slow, I took some time watching some of my favorite scenes from Kill Bill on Youtube, when a familiar oldie song started to play behind the scene, and my mother says in Korean, 'Oh that's one of your Fathers most listened to song back in the day,' and I responded 'I know, it was always when he was depressed, or drunk and he would play this song, I remember.' This whole thing kicked off my whole rambling engine of "I remember this when Dad was drunk...", or "Oh man I got traumatized because Dad did this and that", "I remember this when you and Dad were fighting, and I saw this...and that." And as I stated before I was just bringing up these accepted pasts as just my way of showing my mother on the outside that I'm okay thinking about it without expressing deep sad emotions. But, I didn't consider her feelings, cause even though I along with my brother went through a hell of a childhood life, I have inconsiderately forgotten today when I rambled on and on from my big mouth that my Mother went through all that same hell, that not only has traumatized her, but also implanted a deep depression that she has kept locked away in her mind. She cut me off when I was about to talk about another past memory(that had nothing to do with my Father), telling me she didn't want to hear anymore of our family's dark past, cause it breaks her heart thinking about it. I immediately choked up, as I told her that I wasn't just going to talk about a dark part of our history but something else that I remember. She told me then that it was okay to say what was on my mind, and as I did.....it was no longer fun. My mind and heart broke for my Mother at that moment, and all I wanted to do was bash my head into the wall repeatedly for being so stupid and inconsiderate for digging out the abuse, pain and hurt that took a whole part of her beautiful soul that she has most likely worked so hard to not remember, until my stupid ass mouth.

Even if I have mostly accepted our dark family history and locked it away to the side of my memories, not allowing it to no longer interfere with my psych and emotions, I have no right to open up such a past when others may have not accepted nor fully healed from that same damage and trauma. When a sign says "DO NOT OPEN" I must...NOT...OPEN.